It has been five Let’s Talk Days since my dad died by suicide.
For people just learning about Bell Let’s Talk Day, that means my dad has been gone for five years.
Below is the first of many blogs I have written about his death. It is the first post I wrote really addressing my own mental health.
It has been five years since I joined the conversation about mental health. So much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same. I will keep talking. I hope you will, too.
20 The number of days since my dad, a 58 year old cardiologist, went missing.
17 The number of days that have passed since my dad’s car was found.
16 The number of days that have passed since my dad was found.
10 The number of days that have passed since we celebrated my dad’s life.
Tomorrow, January 28th 2015, is Bell’s annual Let’s Talk Day. You’ve probably seen or heard some of the commercials that have been running recently. The one that really hit home has two guys at work talking about another colleague who has anxiety.
Below is an excerpt from the speech I gave at my dad’s memorial. I’m starting a conversation about mental health.
“I know we’re all feeling guilty. I’m sorry I didn’t call my dad more. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with my dad. I’m sorry I didn’t say I love you more. I’m sorry I lied about my friend jumping on the hood of our 4Runner in high school.
But most of all I’m sorry we weren’t able to prevent this. The cause of Dad’s death is inconclusive. But what we do know is that he was having trouble handling work-related stress, which resulted in anxiety and depression.
We also know that Dad had so much he was looking forward to in life, and so many people he wanted to spend time with, that whatever happened it was not the way a healthy mind would handle the difficulties he was facing.
Here’s where I get on my soapbox. I started to think about things that are in my control. Things I can do. Be kind, be an attentive listener, be a shoulder to cry on, offer what I can… Maybe you’re thinking of someone right now that you still have the opportunity to support through some form of mental illness.
Yeah, I said it. Mental illness.
Mental wellness.
Mental health.
Depression.
Call it what you want…we need to talk about it.
We, as a family, even talked about whether to address this, and decided that if we don’t start talking about it, who will? Our family has heard many stories over the years, and even more in the last few days, from Dad’s patients, nurses and colleagues about how compassionate and dedicated he was to helping others. This is where we can carry on what he was doing. Be there for someone else.
The greatest loss I’m feeling right now involves Kane and Maverick. I’m sorry my dad didn’t get to spend more time with his grandkids. He adored Kane and never got to meet Maverick.”
Bell is partnered with the Canadian Mental Health Association as well as Kids Help Phone. This year’s campaign focuses on five simple ways we can all help end the stigma around mental illness:
- Language matters – pay attention to the words you use about mental illness
- Educate yourself – learn, know and talk more, understand the signs
- Be kind – small acts of kindness speak a lot
- Listen and ask – sometimes it’s best to just listen
- Talk about it – start a dialogue, break the silence
My dad didn’t want to burden friends and colleagues by asking for support. My dad didn’t know about or wasn’t using the resources that were available to him. My dad thought he could fix his anxiety and depression with medication alone. He couldn’t.
Five years ago, I asked for help.
Five years ago, I also asked for for recommendations for therapists.
Five years ago, I asked people to share my blog, because I wanted to make anxiety, depression, and mental health in general something we talk about rather than hide.
Five years ago, I joined the conversation about mental health. So much has changed and yet so much has stayed the same. I will keep talking. I hope you will, too.
One way you can start talking about mental health is by sharing this blog post. Another way is to check in with a friend or family member who is a caregiver. Please start talking whether it is with a therapist or a friend. Everyone needs support with their mental health.
Five years ago, my dad didn’t want to burden friends and colleagues by asking for support. My dad didn’t know about or wasn’t using the resources that were available to him. My dad thought he could fix his anxiety and depression with medication alone.
He couldn’t.
Five years later, I am continuing to talk about mental health and I still have a therapist. A lot happens in five years. I have learned that the tricky stuff can open your eyes to just how strong and resilient you actually are.
Thank-you Kristy for posting this. I know I am going to do everything in my power to never again loose a friend in this way. Wether it was an accident or not, the fact remains he was out there by himself and feeling very alone. I admire your strength and courage.
Love, Gail
Hi Kristy, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a tragedy and you are very right, mental health needs to be talked about. Too many people suffer in silence because of the stigma of mental illness. I am glad you are talking about it and thank-you for sharing. I am glad that you are reaching out for help. In Edmonton there are many support groups: http://www.informalberta.ca/public/common/index_Search.do . You can certainly talk to your doctor and if they are part of a primary care network, they should have mental health practitioners and counsellors who you can talk with. I wish you freedom from your pain and hope you find someone to help you through this. Be gentle with yourself.
Thank-you, Carrie
Kristy, I have a friend you might want to see–how to learn to work through this….. Let me know…
What a beautifully written, loving, thoughtful and honest blog post! I have recently experienced the suicide of two men who fought the same demons as your dad. So, very, very sad. My heart goes out to you Kristy and your family. I hope the courage you have shown to continue the conversation about Mental Health, helps with the grieving and healing process. Please remember to take care of yourself so that you can continue this good work, and be the best mom you can be for your two gorgeous little boys. Sending warm and loving thoughts to you and your family.
thank you for sharing. You are not alone
A grief councillong group in Edmonton that I have seen personally and was very happy with – Community Councelling Center.
A fabulous course I have taken – Grief and Loss at a place called The Haven on Gabriola Island in BC
Kristy – you and I have not met. A fellow colleague (Peter Koop) shared your post on FB. I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to let you know your blog is well written and heartfelt. You are doing the right things by surrounding yourself with a strong support group and seeking professional help. If I can ever be of any help photographically PM me on FB – Ian Grant
My dear Kristy Wolfe. I’m so sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.
I wish I knew of a good therapist in Edmonton, so I will share your beautiful words with my network in hopes that someone can help you. May you find peace.
Best wishes to your family.
You are not alone. I am from a medical family who knows something about physician stress and the toll it can take. Thank you to you and your family for shining a light on this issue. We need to find a way to make it more acceptable for physicians to seek help. They are often reluctant to do so because they are supposed to be strong and have all the answers. I hope there are readers in your area who can suggest appropriate counseling services for you in Edmonton.
Hi Kristy. My name is Siri. Coincidentally, I also know Ladine Irving-Martin, who shared your lovely post. Depression runs in my family, my dad’s side, in particular; I have struggled with it myself for many years (for years without even realizing it was depression). On September 6, 2013, my dad committed suicide. Without going into too much detail, he had been suffering “silently” for years and when my mom left him in 1999, it broke him. For 14 years I see-sawed between being the caring, worried daughter who offered help and tried to “make” my dad take medication and the daughter who knew that he was an adult who could make his own decisions. When he took his life, I was shocked but not surprised. I walked the walk for weeks. My brothers were too upset to deliver the eulogy, so I did. I was able to tell some people, but I was afraid to tell others. I didn’t seek help immediately, relying on my own understanding of the disease and it’s effect on me, my dad and our family to stay afloat. In early 2014, I realized that I was sinking. The days I wasn’t working were spent in bed, getting out just in time to welcome my 15-year-old son back from school. I called my physician and he put me in touch with the Primary Care service that runs out of his clinic. In turn, that counsellor connected me with a grief counsellor. Here is the information:
Terwilliger Medical Clinic (780) 989-5300 – counsellor’s name is Jennifer
Edmonton Healing Centre for Grief and Loss (780) 454-1194 x 224
After writing this to you, I realize that I need to regroup and start seeing someone again, as it really does help to talk to someone. I hope you find these resources helpful, and if you ever need an ear, email me.
My heart goes out to you Kristy. I lost a brother when he was in his thirties. We were helpless to stop him or change his situation. So much frustration, guilt, and even anger! My husband died years later and I finally went for grief counselling. I poured out everything. It absolutely helped. Takes a long time, but if you find a therapist you can really connect with, you maybe will find some peace. The best suggestion I had was: Imagine grief as a pie . In the beginning the pie is black, with a tiny wedge of light. As time goes on, the black grows less and the wedge of light gets larger. The black will always remain. But the light will dominate. xoxo Lori McKowan
First of all I will say how sorry I am for your loss. I followed this story as I live in Victoria and it was very sad. I know with personal family experience the hardship and challenge of mental health and depression. You are right … I too feel one of the biggest reasons why things go wrong for some is the shame and stigma attached to this illness as your dad would have hugely benefited from therapy. There is much hope for many and it’s so very common for all ages, genders and walks of life.
Seeking out counselling above and beyond your wonderful support you are already receiving is a really great idea.
I have close family in Edmonton who would highly recommend Doris Ryan a psychologist and I think her number is 780 455 5992. You could also Google her name for more info. She is very good and I’m quite certain you would really receive healing from this. I am sure she will have great ideas for peer support/ groups etc.
Continue to talk and share … Also your beautiful photos. Your dad looked like a very kind soul.
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. 💜
Thanks for sharing Kristy, I will gladly share this in the hopes it helps someone struggling the way your father did. I wish you well with your search for understanding/answers. I can’t imagine being in your shoes right now, stay strong (or don’t when you need to let go, that’s ok too) and DO continue to share this, it really DOES matter. I’m so pleased you seem to have some great memories captured through your images, they are truly beautiful. xox
Kristy, Thanks for writing this. I work for a specialist’s office in Victoria. We shared many patients with your dad. And I also suffer from depression. So the news of your dad’s passing hit me hard. It is a hard way to live, like you become (at times) a passenger in your own life while the depression takes over, and you lose control. I truly hope you and your family weather this storm and find support in each other.
How very sad for all of you I didn’t know your dad personally but I know a lot of people that did and they all
Commented on what a kind caring soul he was… My thoughts are with you.
Dear Kristy, I have spent a great deal of my career working for Surgeons. The expectations placed on these spectacular beings is relentless and unrealistic. They have devoted themselves so tirelessly to saving the lives of others they often lose sight of their own needs in the process. There should be some type of help available specifically devoted to Physician burnout. Surgeons are often incredibly driven and quite frankly challenging to keep up with. Even though I played such a minor role helping these men orchestrate their practices, I recognized early on the need to keep my own life very simple. At the end of a workday, I often felt as though I had to spend the rest of the evening storing up my resources so I could deal with the stress and pressure of keeping up with the next day’s many tasks and demands. So much of the job for a Surgeon is confronting patient’s loss of physical wellness, fear of ever being productive again and grief surrounding the life they once lived and the future they would not have. Not to mention the need to constantly hone one’s surgical techniques, and work within the constraints of a bureaucratic system managed by people who care little about supporting Surgeons or their patients but care a heck of a lot about budget cuts and cost effectiveness. The men I knew who did survive their careers were fortunate enough to have employed “family therapists” and often ended up taking tremendous amounts of time off. Unfortunately, this was sometimes preceded by a life changing event such as a spouse becoming ill, a spouse threatening to leave, or a child exhibiting risky behavior. It could have easily gone the other way. I would recommend therapy and a grief support group for you and your family. There was a time in my life when a grief support group helped facilitate my own healing after losing loved ones. Your Father must have been a wonderful man to have raised a daughter courageous enough to speak openly about this issue thereby encouraging others to seek passage out of the darkness into the light of a more content way of being. God Bless you and Keep you.
I am very sorry for your loss….you are absolutely right, it is time to talk openly about mental illness. My son suffers from it and it has been a struggle for us all. Your father sounds like a very kind and caring man. I hope your good memories of him will be comforting as you grieve….
my condolences. Your Dad was gentle and did my echo bubble screening. Such a shock and I wish you and your family peace and keep the fond memories close to your hearts. Be Blessed Time will help you cope.
Heather Mitchell
Hi Kristy…..so sorry to read of your loss. I lost my Dad 6 months ago this past Friday. I know in moments it doesn’t seem real that he’s truly gone, that he’ll never light up the room with his smile and you won’t ever get to touch his face again…..so much has changed for you. I’m no professional for sure, just another girl who lost her Daddy before she was ready to let go….we’re never ready to let go, that much I know for sure….. I only wanted to extend my hand to you if only in thought and say hang on if you need or want…what I’ve learned so far in this journey of grief is you need to cry and rant and miss him and honour all those feelings and one day, you’ll find that you can smile when you think of him even if it’s followed immediately by tears and one day it’s comforting to look at his picture and remember what an awesome life you had because he was your Dad and you were his little girl…..
Hi Kristy…..so sorry to read of your loss. I lost my Dad 6 months ago this past Friday. I know in moments it doesn’t seem real that he’s truly gone, that he’ll never light up the room with his smile and you won’t ever get to touch his face again…..so much has changed for you. I’m no professional for sure, just another girl who lost her Daddy before she was ready to let go….we’re never ready to let go, that much I know for sure….. I only wanted to extend my hand to you if only in thought and say hang on if you need or want…what I’ve learned so far in this journey of grief is you need to cry and rant and miss him and honour all those feelings and one day, you’ll find that you can smile when you think of him even if it’s followed immediately by tears and one day it’s comforting to look at his picture and remember what an awesome life you had because he was your Dad and you were his little girl……
Thank you Kristy for speaking out. I will share as I too believe you carry an important message. I am sorry for your loss and the loss of your family. I have an 8 year old son who suffers from anxiety and depression and it is a battle for him every day, a battle I wish I could fight for him but instead I walk beside him and try to give him as many tools and resources as I can to better prepare him for the future. It terrifies me, as a mother of such a young child. Take good care and keep talking….kim in victoria
Hi Kristy I am a nurse. I work in mental health. I struggle with mental illness. I hate the shame I have had to carry working in the health care system about my illness. The conversation you are starting is the most important thing. Call your local Canadian mental health office and they can make suggestions of how you might work through this.
BCMA needs to start the conversation about depression and that doctors are human and sometimes need help. My GP took his life in 1994. he helped me with my depression and yet he could not help himself. My heart is heavy as I send you my condolences and encouragement to keep this conversation going. If your dad had diabetes he would of been able to ask for help. Let’s work together to remove the shame from mental illness> People with fragile brains are extraordinary and compassionate beyond belief. Your dad was one of these extra ordinary people.
There is a great woman who has a private counselling retreat on salt spring island, if I could afford her I would use her. I lost my father yesterday, she worked about 3 or 4 years ago at the nanaimo hospice. She was just retiring. I only met with her once but she really was fantastic. If you could afford it I would recommend it. She was so fantastic. The only counsellor I have met as an adult that I could not only tolerate, but liked, and was good. I will search online for her and see if I can find her for you. I appreciate what you posted today, as I have been struggling lately, not so much with depression, well I guess it is, just not as severe as I have had it before, but suicide is becoming an issue again for me. Which is scary. I guffaw at it a bit as there are so many things that I want to do, and I truly do not want to die, I am just tired of being alone, especially when I am with other people. That fool within me that is keeping me isolated. Anyways I appreciate your posting as it reminds me that I truly am not invincible, if this happened to your father, it could happen to me. I love myself, want to do and accomplish so many things in life, I am just weary. Thank you for writing this.
My thoughts and prayers have been with you these past few weeks, the kindness you showed my family when Ben was in the hospital has given me an appreciation of the greatness that is out there. The loss of a loved one no matter of the reason is still a loss, my father passed on in 1971 and I still miss him and feel guilty of the missed opportunities that I took for granted, lean on your family and friends and continue to take in the beauty of your family through your art of photography.
Leanne Tilley
Thank You for Sharing Kristy, Prayers to You and Your Family.
Thank you so much for writing this. Some people have bad days or bad moods, but when mental illness is a factor, it can be an overwhelming darkness or “black-coloured glasses” that is hard to control and harder to understand. I lost my Dad to suicide almost 2 years ago. I loved him dearly and miss him daily. I have wishes and regrets like yours. It has opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone that says they are “good” or “fine” really are, some are not. Let’s talk more. Time will heal my dear… but you need to give time time. I’m still giving it time. <3
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband sailed with your dad at RVYC and spoke very highly of him. Thank you for opening this dialogue. Mental illness and mental wellness need to be the forefront of more conversations – it touches everyone.
I too, have lost a parent to suicide and have depression myself. The people at hospice are really good to talk to about dealing with losing someone. There is still a stigma around mental health issues. I have learned that it is best to talk about it and I’m lucky to have people I can do that with, although I have been through very dark times when ending my life seemed like the least painful option. It is so important to speak about it, doing so is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of health. Thank you for sharing your story with others, someone may be saved by you doing so.
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish I had met your father; from all that I’ve read, he sounds like such a great man. And though I hadn’t met him, I’ve felt so saddened by his passing and wish we could turn back the clock and have the opportunity to prevent it. My deepest condolences to you and your family. May he rest in peace. Lisa Neufeld, RN
Hi Kristy, I know you have a lot of support from family and friends, but it’s even better of you can be with others who have been through the same thing or want more information. I’ve been through losing someone, and I’m also diagnosed with severe deppresion/bipolar disorder. Add to that Alcohol addiction (sober 30 years) and I highly recommend trying some support groups. I Googled “Edmunton Alberta Support Groups and you have a lot of them up there for many different things. There’s bound to be some for you. Too many for me to figure out precisely what you would really need. Group therapy is amazing and free. You should try it. If you aren’t comfortable with them you can surely get good recommendations from other members for the best counselors in your area. I truly do hope you find more support. Lots of times talking to strangers who know exactly how you feel can be better tha a family member. :). I wish you the best. My heart feels for your pain so I hope you have a lot of good memories of your Dad and, while the pain will always be there, it will gradually bring more and more of them back.
I’m so sorry that you lost your Dad, Kristy, I really am. The people I would recommend you contact would be Hospice. Every city has a Hospice, whether it be attached to a hospital or whatever, and they help people “cope, deal, heal from” grief all the time. My heart goes out to you, my parents have left this earth, but they are never gone from my heart. <3
How very brave of you to share this, Kristy. I met your dad a couple of times in Youbou at the New Years Eve bash. In fact, shared a table with him this year, a few days before he went missing. I had a dad who suffered from poorly treated anxiety and depression. He did not take his own life but it caused him not to be the man and father he could have been to me. I also live with the illness too and you are so right. Medications is just the start. Treatment, particularly, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is imperative. As for you, brave of you to ask for help. In most cities and towns, there is a hospice society that provides counselling to people who are working through loss and grief, without charge. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time. I remember the first New Years Eve I spent with your parents and their friends up here, two years ago, he mentioned his daughters and his face lit up. It was clear he loved his family dearly.
Thanks for posting this blog, it puts a face to an issue that’s so important. I lost my Dad when I was very young and admire the clarity you have in this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
– from UBC
My sincere sympathy. My husband recognized your Dad, when we first read about him missing. My husband said your Dad was one of the Doctors at the heart clinic he had been to. I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I could offer you help or suggest where might be a good place to seek help….but sadly, I do not have any suggestions. I can only tell you my Father passed 27 1/2 years ago, due to a tragic accident and the first several years were tough. I realized the more I spoke of my Dad and remembered him, the more that helped me heal. I also wanted my children to at least get a glimpse of what their Grandfather was like, since he passed many years before they were even born. I have shared your post on my facebook page and hope this can help you and many others to heal by talking about these issues. I wish you the best and admire you for posting this, also.
Hello Kristy,
I am so very sorry for the Dad you have lost. I hope that your eloquent plea for The Conversation is widely heard, and that others will benefit from what you have said here.
With sympathy,
Deborah
Hi Kristy. I came here via a friend on Facebook..and just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this…I wish there were answers. The only help I can give from Ontario is to leave this link for you…I hope that one of these resources can help http://directory.ahpca.ca/category/grief-and-bereavement-support/
Your loss, and all the losses that are to come every time you want your Dad and he isn’t there, is heart-breaking. I stand with you and your family in wanting (needing) to change the conversation about mental health. I do hope you find a group that’s helpful to you in your grieving. While she isn’t in Edmonton, you may find some of Janelle Breese-Biagioni’s writing helpful: http://janellebb.com/. Janelle is a grief counsellor and a beautiful, gentle, compassionate woman.
All the best,
Shannon
Thank you for sharing your story and your emotions Kristy. And the message will be heard even louder and stronger on this day that has grown to be one of the ways that stigma can be addressed and where people and their pain can be heard. I work in health care as well as I am a counsellor. I am however in Victoria but know that you will be able to find numerous mental health professionals in Edmonton to help you through your grief, loss, pain and journey. I unfortunately don’t know a specific person there to refer you to but please take that next step (the one you have already taken is the biggest!) and find someone you feel comfortable with and able to work with as you heal. All best wishes, Elese.
I saw your blog which was shared through a friend’s FB post. Please accept my deepest sympathy to you and your family as you grieve the death of your father. I work in grief and loss in the Shippensburg, PA area in the US, but I found lots of grief resources in the Edmonton area through an internet search using the terms “Edmonton Alberta Canada Grief and Loss Support”. After my son died, my husband and I found tremendous support through a Bereaved Parents Support Group. It’s so encouraging to meet other people who are experiencing a similar grief experience. It makes you feel a lot less ALONE. There seem to be some support groups for bereaved adults dealing with all types of loss in your area if you look under the informalberta.ca website. I hope you can find a group that suits your needs. I think meeting other grievers and opening up the grief conversation goes hand in hand with you wanting to open up the mental health conversation. There are just some things that people don’t want to talk about but we NEED to start talking about it. Good luck to you as you travel your grief journey.
Reblogged this on viridianherbalist and commented:
This is such an important message, and it resonates with me for this week. I have reblogged this in the UK. We need to talk about it here too.
I really appreciated your writing and your speaking out. I don’t have many contacts in Edmonton, but have heard many many good things about the folks at Southminster-Steinhauer United Church, http://www.smsuc.com/. If they don’t have the professional capacity to support you in what you need, i bet they will be able to suggest someone appropriate. Blessings on your search and your healing.
One answer…cognitive therapy. Feeling Good,,The New Mood Therapy – Dr. David Burns.
As I said recently when I was having a bad day…..(once I started to feel better)…The same problems are there, but I am better equipped to deal with them.
I loved the workbook 10 Days to Self Esteem (Dr. David Burns)
Thank you for sharing your story. My mom is a psych nurse and the conversation has always been open in our home.
I hope that your family finds the comfort needed and that you share all the wonderful memories of your father with Maverick.
Kristy – your courage and desire to make a difference around mental illness given your father’s death is so appreciated. I have shares your blog with friends and I hope they too will share with others.
I am in Vancouver and don’t know about the mental health profession in Edmonton. But I am sure you will find the right supportive “companion” for the journey. Blessings for the search.
thankyou for this, kristy. it is so important to talk about mental illness…the more you talk, the more you realize that most people have a relative with mental illness. i wish you peace and understanding as you work through this tragedy.
Dennis was my cardiologist for 10 years and always seemed to be positive and confident. I never knew the battle but when I read that he was missing I feared the worst. My condolences to the family and the colleagues and staff that were close to him. Certainly a message that needs to be shared. But what can we do about people who hide or deny challenges. Life is complicated at the best of times. What we see on the surface isn’t necessarily the reality of ones state of mind. So unfortunately there will always continue to be these tragedies. With knowledge comes hope. Hope can make a difference. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your family’s story. It carries such an important message! I am so sorry for your loss.
Kristy, Thanks so much for putting this out there. Guilty…yep that’s just how I feel. Your dad and I talked a couple of times years ago about his brother and depression. I had no personal reference point but I could tell he was in pain.
All the best to you and your family.
Vern
Reblogged this on Ponderings and commented:
timely and relevant invitation to conversation and awareness. To the author’s list of contributing factors, I would add the increasing number of adult children caring for elderly parents.
Kristy- I didn’t know your dad well, though we met through the sailing community here in Victoria. Over the last two weeks, conversations about him have come up with people from different many different corners of my life. A co-worker of mine was brought to tears when she spoke of him, telling me about how he saved her life many years ago. Many of his friends continue to talk about him, and how we can all help break the silence. Please know that he will be remembered, and all of us are finding the strength to continue this dialogue. ~Ian